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Saturday 14 March 2020

I am Not As Ok As You Seen

If someday I died. I just want people know, that actually i am not ok as long as I lifed. I wear a mask.
If I said I am kind of ambisious person, that just because I want to forget or atleast i am trying for not allowing myself to think about something that I won't remember. If u read my previous article if I said "something bad happened" thats what I mean.
Been so hard to try, but I can't.

I am not ok.

But thank you for people who always surrounded me by love. Much appreciate but sorry I still can't.

Thursday 5 March 2020

Why am I taking a Master School? Is That a False Consciousness?

Where is a why there is beacuse.
But please let me give kind of prologue before I answer the "Why".
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Since long time ago, I had a dream to take a master abroad. At that time, I'd love to looking for information, attending an educational exhibition, trying an fellowship, etc. But, dream just only dream flying without direction, going to nowhere, because I didn't give my maximum effort and not focus to reach it.
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Until one day, there's something bad happened to my life and I think that's my turning point and remind me to go back on my track.
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Long story short, I asked my cousin to join me trying a Master School test at one of university in Indonesia. I studied a lil bit harder than before. Fortunately, I passed the test and officially become a Master of Communications Management student.
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If you read to my story, I am sure most of you will think that I finally get what I want.
But, I am sorry I am not. Why???

To be honest, I don't know is that really something that I want? I just escaping from my past? I don't want my time wasted to remember my bad memories, or this is the way to show my self actualization?. In my studies, it called "false consciousness" by Friedrich Engels. False Consciousness described as simple as we doin something due to trapped by dominant ideology (e.g. I studied because I want to get a title)(Pines,1993). In the other hand, we really don't know what exactly we r doin. We don't have a free will to our ideology.
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So, if I trying to answer the title above, I will say I don't want to waste my time to remember something that I wouldn't do. 
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Dear myself, I know you can do it.
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Do you have a confusion that u wanna share with me?