I am Not As Ok As You Seen

If someday I died. I just want people know, that actually i am not ok as long as I lifed. I wear a mask.
If I said I am kind of ambisious person, that just because I want to forget or atleast i am trying for not allowing myself to think about something that I won't remember. If u read my previous article if I said "something bad happened" thats what I mean.
Been so hard to try, but I can't.

I am not ok.

But thank you for people who always surrounded me by love. Much appreciate but sorry I still can't.

Why am I taking a Master School? Is That a False Consciousness?

Where is a why there is beacuse.
But please let me give kind of prologue before I answer the "Why".
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Since long time ago, I had a dream to take a master abroad. At that time, I'd love to looking for information, attending an educational exhibition, trying an fellowship, etc. But, dream just only dream flying without direction, going to nowhere, because I didn't give my maximum effort and not focus to reach it.
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Until one day, there's something bad happened to my life and I think that's my turning point and remind me to go back on my track.
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Long story short, I asked my cousin to join me trying a Master School test at one of university in Indonesia. I studied a lil bit harder than before. Fortunately, I passed the test and officially become a Master of Communications Management student.
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If you read to my story, I am sure most of you will think that I finally get what I want.
But, I am sorry I am not. Why???

To be honest, I don't know is that really something that I want? I just escaping from my past? I don't want my time wasted to remember my bad memories, or this is the way to show my self actualization?. In my studies, it called "false consciousness" by Friedrich Engels. False Consciousness described as simple as we doin something due to trapped by dominant ideology (e.g. I studied because I want to get a title)(Pines,1993). In the other hand, we really don't know what exactly we r doin. We don't have a free will to our ideology.
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So, if I trying to answer the title above, I will say I don't want to waste my time to remember something that I wouldn't do. 
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Dear myself, I know you can do it.
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Do you have a confusion that u wanna share with me?

Coincidence or The Sign of The Fate?

Last year, when I back to my hometown, I found a book which I bought in 2010 before I became a communications student at Diponegoro University. I was surprised when I read the author's name. Because now, he becomes my lecturer in Management of Communication Sciences at University of Indonesia.
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Another story
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Today I really want to write something on my blog, then I look for a book where I used to write my draft. Before writings my idea, I read one page that I wrote in April 2018 :



Silly prayer, but actually I found him in June 2019.

Coincidence or Path of Fate?

Dear God,

I am sure You know exactly what I feel, even I can't describe it well.
Thank u for giving me all of the opportunities, to running it well, and even You give me a pebble, You give me more power to handle it.
You show me people who loves me.
You show me who's friend and who's fri-END is.
Since, I am still the one who need Your support, please don't stop loving me, and make me somebody who always put You become my very first.

Aamiin.

The Use of Child Soldiers in Armed Combat

This is my writing in my tumblr before....

Every child has a big dream. Do you remember? When we was on the elementary school, our teacher asked, “What is your dream, dear?” and we answered enthusiastly , “ I want to be a doctor”, “I want to be like you Ma’am I want to teach the child like you do”, “I want to be an architect because I want to make a house for my parents…” and many more.

But, what can we see now? A war in a several country, because of ego from the adults (major), destroyed that dreams. 

“..I had a dream my life would be 

So different from this hell I am living 

So different now from what it seem. 

Now life has killed the dream i dreamed” 

(I  Dreamed a Dream- populareted by Sussan Boyle)

Probably this song can explain how deep down from their children’s heart. Different with the child from the other country, they who lived in the war country, have to “kill” they dreams. They are still 14-18 years old, but they have to be a “volunteer” into a combat. The boys  have to be a “volunteer” for a war because of family pressure, political reasons, and the main factor is major determinant (ex: at Libya’s war) and the girls forced to have a marriage, victim of domestic violence, exploitation and abuse.

Are they thinking about the impact for childs?  Are they just emphasizing their ego?  They are ours, they are our next generation, they will make extraordinary breaktrough to solve the conflict without war.  Are they (who forced the children to be child soldier) ever thought that the children have to reach their dreams? Did  they hear their conscience? How dare they sacrifice the children dreams just for a POWER so the children got the injury or got killed?

            I think we will verry happy when we can hold each other on, no more child soldiers in armed combat. 

 “…event though we are not the same different ways 

and we walk on different path different road in this life 

can we hold each other hand together in this world 

and be as one

It will be a better place better hope

place that gives up peace of mind filled with love no more tears 

place where you and I can love 

no more cries on this life 

the place for us to be one..”

(To be One- Gita Gutawa)

 What a wonderful world if we are UNITED.

A Message

I enjoy meet person in personal than in a group. Why? Because, I got intimacy in the conversation. You can show yourself as A B C D in a group but you show me YOURSELF when meet me in personal. You may (still) use your mask but I can easily recognize it.

In some case, they may look cheerful, friendly, have a lot of friend but deep inside it they feel so lonely and no body care. They feel awkward when you meet in personal. They couldn't keep the conversation smooth.

Or

In some case they may look so lonely, name it introvert but actually they can tell alot when you meet them in personal.

You surprisingly know that, "Ok, this person can be my friend".

It's their choice to become that person. I don't really care about it. Whatever your choice, please be genuine and honest atleast with yourself.

You May Come to The Same Place but Not The Experience

What I mostly like about travelling even I am going to the same place? EXPERIENCE.


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So, the 3^rd time I went to Malaysia on February 2019, for the first time, I am going abroad by myself, because usually I travel in a group or atleast with someone. Actually I am not going there really alone because I met my friend, Reza, there. We decided to go to Melacca as our destination.
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And I got the new experience that I will never forget. 

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Even that day Melacca's in a high degree, we’re still had a spirit to explore from one place to another on foot, take a lot of picture, until my battery was about to die. We decided to stop at the café which I read on someone's blogspot as must to go café in Melacca.

Surprised that there's a man played a keyboard and sang. I talked to Reza "Za, can I sing a song here"?" And he said, "Yes, maybe you can". Then we chose a seat near the socket where a woman named Aunt Song, sitting there.

She was look at me, started a conversation by told me that the man named Phillips, who played a music was her son, and he has an autism. But, that condition never stop him to  do his passion -> play a music.

While Reza busy with his business, Aunt Song asked me to choose a song for Phillips. And guess what? She allow me to had a duet with Phillips by singing You Raise Me Up and Burung Kakak Tua.

After had a duet, me, Reza, Aunt Song, and Phillips had an exciting conversation. We talked about food, life, shared our daily activity  and many more.

Aunt Song suggest us to pay attention with the nutrition. "We are what we eat. Maybe today both of you look health and have full of energy. But if you are not paying attention with ur food, who knows what will happened in a few years laters. Heart dissease, blood high pressure, etc", she said.

To be honest, I rather feel envy to Aunt Song and Phillips. Why? Because from that conversation I can see how they enjoy their life by doing their passion. Phillips with his music and Aunt Song with her passion as a teacher (fyi Aunt Song was a teacher in Math, Mandarin, and English). Besides, they also be grateful of their life by kept their health.

Inspiring.


An hour later, my device was fully charge and unfortunatelly we had to say goodbye to them because we must continue our trip.

My story above make me learnt that we may come to the same place but not the experience.

Even I went to Malaysia for 3 times, but had a deep conversation with stranger and doing something out of plan is a new experience for me.

I wish you have another good story to tell too,Sybs. Good night!